I'm literally in this place in life where I'm just stuck between my dreams and the reality of my situation. I'm so limited serving a unlimited God and the revelation of this just kills me inside. My whole life I knew I was going to do something amazing, but whenever I think I found the path there I trip and fall. Therefore I always find my self walking back in defeat looking for a new path. If I hear one more person asking me what is my dream I think I will throw up. I know what my passion is, but it seems like mission impossible. I'm scared to say it out loud because it's such a ridiculous dream. But it's my ridiculous dream. It's something that I have carried in my heart as a little girl and athough I can't really say it out loud, I can't throw it away. I'm in love with this dream. It captured my heart and seeps through my spirit. I see my dream in the eyes of my little sister Neveah whenever she cries at night because she wants to sleep with my dad and step mom Joeann. I see my dream when I see my little brother Isaiah walk out the house ready to smoke weed and find his identy in the streets. I see my dreams when I see my mother out side of 7/11 begging me for 2 dollars for a beer. My dreams are too big to put in to words. But if I was to put a title in this dream I guess my dream would be called heaven. Where there is no more pain and suffering. Where you don't have to worry if dad will come back or where your biggest fear is getting a phone call telling you your mother was found dead in the streets. I dream of this place where my family and I can be whole. I can imagine you telling me how there is nothing too big for God. I can already imagine you praying for me. I can even see the pity in your eyes as you try to comfort me. My dream may have been yours. Maybe you know what it feels like and you seen God move. That's amazing, but my dream is more than finding heaven on earth. It's finding me. I lost my identity. Maybe blogging will help me look deeper within myself. Maybe I'll find a home within myself. When it's time to go home with The Lord I don't want to just leave behind my decaying body, I want to have a legacy of my own. A legacy my children's children can be proud of.
What's my next step?
To look to The Lord and his strength, seeking His face daily. Making Him my Father, my Husband and my best friend. Putting my dream is His hands.
I think of creation and how He literally created man with His hands. He could of just spoke Man into creation, but He stooped down and with His hands created man. So if there is any hands I trust with my future I think I'll trust God. I don't think I have it inside of me to trust in man to be here for me again. It hurts to much to be abandoned again. Pray for me. Please keep me in your prayers as I try to not become my mother, father or grandma. Pray God gives me a mother who I can trust. I love you guys:)